Where Have I Been?

I know, my loyal readers and those who have messaged asking me about specific upcoming posts, you are wondering why I have not posted in awhile. There are plenty of times when there is an unexpected break in my blogging due to circumstances beyond my control… and this time is no different.

To be completely honest, my emotional brain is completely fried due to the roller coaster of events over the past several weeks.

It started with the information I was given early in August that put some relationships in jeopardy. That situation ending up being more serious than I originally thought it was. It sent me into an emotional spiral of anger and feeling rejected. This situation is still ongoing and probably will be for awhile. I have sought accountability from my husband and several friends to help me with my anger and feeling rejected. Having people to talk to and pray for me has been helpful but I am still processing it all.

Shortly after that, my girls started their school year and I started my college semester. Ironically, going back to college has been the least stressful thing in my life right now. I am praying that it continues to be a non-stressful endeavor! However, there is rebellious spirit trying to rise up in my oldest daughter. We have had constant battles of will with her lately. She is only ten years old but I think we have hit the pre-teen hormonal years.

On Monday-August 28th, after substitute teaching all day, I had to run some errands downtown with my kids with me. We drove by the public library twice in about a 5-10 minute timeframe. When we passed by the second time, roads were blocked and the library was surrounded by police vehicles and cops carrying guns. We had to sit at the intersection for several minutes and we saw cops with a guy sitting on the ground in the middle of the street. As we finally moved past the scene to go to dance classes, I told my girls that I thought what we saw was a drug bust. About an hour later, Facebook started blowing up with posts and news articles about there being a mass shooting in the library. Only when my husband called me (from the plane he was about to take off on) did I realize that when we drove past the library the first time that the shooting was actively happening. As the details were released, we found out that two of the librarians died on the scene and four others were critically wounded. One of the librarians did all of the library’s children’s activities and we had interacted with her many times over the years. One of the wounded was a ten year old boy… the same age as my oldest daughter. The shooter was a tenth grader. Needless to say, our small town of Clovis, New Mexico was shattered that day. Still, the community came together to support each other in a way that most small towns do when tragic circumstances happen.

Later that week, on Thursday, I found out that a dear friend was in hospice care. We made arrangements to travel the next day (two hours away) to go see her. I worked that Friday so we could not leave until after school released. Just as the bell rang, I got a call with news about a very close friend. Apparently, she woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband not breathing. While waiting for EMS to arrive, she did chest compressions for fifteen minutes. EMS used the defibrillator three times before they got a pulse. He went an estimated 24 minutes without oxygen. He was transferred to the same hospital that we were going to visit. Later that night, we got to the hospital and visited my friend and her husband who was in a medically induced coma. I was not able to visit my friend on hospice because we got there after she went to bed. We decided to spend the night in town and we were able to see her in the morning. It was one of the saddest moments in my life. We checked in on my other friend again before heading home. We left knowing that we may not ever see her husband alive again. A couple of days later, my friend’s husband miraculously woke up. He has a long recovery ahead but he is alive. My other friend on hospice was transferred out of the hospital to a nursing home. The end is still inevitable but she seems to be in better spirits now.

For the past several months, I have also been dealing with some medical issues that may lead to surgery. Since my husband is leaving the country in the very near future, we have been back and forth with different doctors trying to determine the best treatment in the quickest time frame. If I end up having the surgery, it would be best for my husband to be home during the initial recovery weeks to help with the kids. We were hoping for a more clear plan this week but the latest appointment did not deliver that. Instead we are once again waiting for more tests to be done. It is possible that I may not have the major surgery and have a different procedure instead, however, I will still need recovery time and there is a chance that it would not work. That would just lead to more months of trying to figure everything out.

A few days ago, I completely broke down emotionally. Every emotion that I had felt over the past several weeks just exploded out of my soul. I uncontrollably cried for a long time. I think the reason I am struggling with all of this so much is because for the first time in a very long time, I have not really felt God in the midst of all the circumstances. I feel like I am on autopilot… doing everything that I know to do but feeling completely numb while doing it. I know God is present because he always has been in all of my life valleys. I know God is present because my friend’s  husband is a miracle. I know God is present because I have his Word to remind me of that. As I wait for him to make himself known, I am trusting that God is Good. No matter what the outcomes of my current circumstances and the circumstances of those around me, I know that he sees the big picture that I can not see right now. Someday, I know I will look back and see his hand in all of this.

So, as far as blogging goes, I am still working on the Fruit of the Spirit writing plans and I am still reading the books waiting for my reviews. Thank you for your patience during the delays. I will post them when I am able to finish them.